Why Do We Struggle to Say What We Mean?

“Well, why didn’t you just say that then?” My partner is asking me for the umpteenth time, and for the umpteenth time I’m asking myself that very same question. He can talk, of course. This is a man for whom guilt is an almost pavlovian response to making any decision. You would think by now we would have both learned to read between the lines, but give us time. We’ve only been together a decade. Perhaps in another twenty years we’ll learn to skip the preamble and say what we actually want straight out of the gate.

Anyway… guten tag, Happy Minds, have you ever noticed how we humans tend to get each other wrong? Considering that the primary purpose of language is for humans to communicate our thoughts, feelings, intentions and needs with one another, why is it so difficult for us to say what we mean?

What a Complete Idiom

Personally, I can be a teensy bit immune to subtext and tend to assume that people mean what they are actually saying. As a British person, this sort of thinking tends to get one into a ‘bit of a pickle’ (a delightfully absurd idiom used to indicate being in some form of trouble as analogous to sitting in spilled pickle brine). Probably. Actually, the true origins of that one are somewhat lost to the ages, but what is clear is that most languages incorporate wordplay for comedic effect. Here are a few excellent idioms to demonstrate my point:

“Det er ugler i mosen” Norwegian for ‘there is an owl in the bog’, indicating that mischief is afoot.

“Un pezzo di pane”, Italian for ‘a piece of bread’, suggesting that an individual is of the highest calibre because they are literally as good as bread is. Hard to argue, especially when that bread is Italian, amiright? 

“Att glida på en räkmacka”, Swedish for ‘to glide in on a shrimp sandwich’, indicating someone is successful because they were born to wealthy parents.

“Estar como una Cabra”, Spanish for ‘to be like a goat’, in other words a little wild!

“Komm schon, spring über deinen Schatten!”, German encouragement, willing a friend to ‘come on, jump over your shadow!’

That’s what she said.

Much of what makes language playful and fun is the ability to present a simple phrase that could be interpreted two very different ways, ideally one literal and one dripping with scarcely veiled smut! Just ask Sir Lancelot, who wasn’t named such for his prodigious skill in the joust, if you take my meaning (*nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eyebrows, eyebrows, eyebrows*). In a previous blog post, we explored how the language we speak shapes our reality, and it’s no surprise that this carries over to how direct (or indirect) we feel comfortable being about our own needs in communication. 
Very British Problems nailed it when they created this apt infographic ⤵️ based upon my actual life experiences. It’s just good to know I’m not the only one for whom the ‘smiling face disappearing below the waves’ emoji is perpetually cocked and loaded in messenger. 

In case you’re interested (I will assume that you are), the phenomenon by which words can have two (or more) meanings is known as Polysemy, and it’s part of what makes language cognitively viable. In other words, if we had to have a unique word to describe every single object and situation, well… we wouldn’t have time to have conversations because we would just spend our whole lives learning our own language until our brains turned to marmalade (note to self, no amount of studying will force the transformation of one’s grey matter into a bitter preserve, derived from oranges). 

Lost in Translation

But putting aside the fun stuff, there’s still the capacity for huge misunderstandings even when dealing with what appears on the surface to be simple communication. Just look at the example of Derek Bentley, infamously hanged for murder in 1953 despite having never fired a shot. The basis of his conviction was that after committing an armed robbery and escaping with his accomplice Christopher Craig – a minor at the time of incident – the pair were tracked and cornered by the police. Constable Frederick Fairfax, requested that Christopher Craig “Hand over the gun, lad” and in that tense moment Derek Bentley – the older of the two – instructed Craig to “Let him have it, Chris”. Craig interpreted that phrase to mean that he should open fire  and did so, causing the death of another officer; PC Sidney Miles. Since Craig was underage, Bentley was sentenced to death in his place. 

A sad story made more tragic by the fact that Derek Bentley also was later discovered to have an intellectual disability which rendered him vulnerable to coercion by the police. In fact, a cornerstone of Bentley’s posthumous pardon was that his verbal confession was later proved by a forensic linguist to have been prompted by the police officers, due to the syntax of his confession conflicting with his idiolect – an individual’s unique form of expressing language – during the trial.  

Communication: A Game of Verbal Dodgeball

Of course, underneath the minefield of literal and metaphorical interpretations of the words we choose to use, there is an elephant in the room from which there is no escaping. Language may be the bridge between two minds, but the ideas that it conveys can never fully cross it. An eloquent speaker may paint a vivid picture, but the details of that picture are different for us all.

At the truly goopy level, thoughts are abstract flashes of memory, dreams and experiences both real and imagined, shared and individual. A kaleidoscopic patchwork of the surreal unique to each and every one of us. Of course we can’t say what we mean, half the time we don’t even know what we mean, and we’re in here with them. Trying to transport someone else into the metaphorical brain fog is never going to come easy. Perhaps that’s why when we do meet people who just get us, we cherish them and form bonds that last a lifetime. But if you’re tired of feeling misunderstood, or just want to brush up on the old writey-talky-speaky, perhaps you might enjoy one of our courses?

If you find that you struggle to say what you mean, or you feel this would be a tool worth sharpening in your team, check out our Fearless Feedback, Challenging Conversations or Power of Language training courses. 

And, as always, thanks for reading!