Recognising Stress

Hola, Happy Minds. With Stress Awareness Month nearly over (April; also the month of my birth, so that feels prophetic), and being in the middle of moving house (widely recognised as one of the top stressful experiences) I wanted to explore ways we can recognise and deal with stress. It’s something everyone feels at times, especially when dealing with change or life challenges. So, shall we get stuck in?

Stress 101: What’s Really Going On?

Let’s start with what we know. The world health organisation (WHO) has dubbed stress “the health epidemic of the 21st century”, and identified that stress related deaths are on the rise.

Our best understanding of stress is that it’s part of the ‘fight or flight’ response; adrenaline is produced, blood vessels constrict, heart rate goes up… in other words we get ready to dance the fandango. The problem is that a punishing and unrelenting work schedule, unlike say, a mountain lion, never goes away. We can’t run, we can’t hide, instead society invites us to simply endure this feeling of running too hot for too long until something has to give. The issue is not so much with the effect of stress on the body per se, so much as it is the long term effect of constantly enduring the stress condition.

The Cost of Chronic Stress

We call this ‘chronic stress’, and it’s as damaging to the body, mind and soul as you might imagine. Linked with all the major mortality stats, it goes without saying that chronic stress will kill you, but even more sadly, if it doesn’t kill you it might just break you, leaving you a husk of your former self. Our own life experience is littered with examples. My partner’s father for example struggled with workaholism and violent mood swings for decades until his nervous breakdown. Now it can take him a full afternoon to write an email. I’m sure you too are able to call to mind many victims of this voracious monster, stalking and devouring our friends and neighbours with seeming impunity.

But, do you want to know the worst bit? We let this happen. We willingly sacrifice each other to the Grendel in the vain hope that we will be the one to slay the beast and be crowned King (or in my case; Queen). We know the dangers of extreme stress, but we convince ourselves that we alone can straddle the line, keeping burnout at bay, hitting home runs left, right and centre. The perfect employee, the perfect parent, the perfect person. Practically perfect in every way…

The Burnout Badge of Honour

Of course, it’s hogwash. We’ve normalised burnout, we proudly show each other our scars from clutching too long to a vanishing, double-ended candle. We idolise extreme levels of success and ridiculous schedules, from Mark Wahlberg’s 2.30am alarm and cryo-chamber recovery to Beyoncé’s claims that she ‘doesn’t need sleep’. We like to think that if we can just be disciplined enough, we too can fly close to the sun and enjoy the dizzy heights without melting our waxen wings and plummeting to earth. I recently read an article on workaholism that set more than a few alarm bells ringing for me (you can find it here), but aside from the horrifying health impacts of working ourselves to death, I was most saddened to read that one in four of us are estimated to be struggling with workaholism.

Spotting the Signs of Stress

So, what can we do about it? What are the signs of chronic stress? How much is too much? How do we push-back?

I’m sure many of you have at some point come across the famous ‘Hierarchy of Needs’, proposed by Abraham Maslow in 1943. If you take a quick google-gander, you’ll note that on level 1 he identifies physiological needs without which we will quickly perish; breath, food, clothing, shelter and sleep. Speaking personally, I know that chronic stress interferes with at least 3 of those, causing me to neglect my body’s nourishment requirements, gaze nightly into the abyss of insomnia and occasionally I’m not ashamed to say, endure panic attacks wherein I cannot control my breathing.

So, one could argue that in trying to achieve ultimate success, (level 5 of the pyramid), we actually forget that the pyramid needs to climbed in a linear order, ergo we cannot stand upon its pinnacle and simultaneously have failed to meet our basic needs, that is an impossibility. Interestingly, Maslow does not mention material success on any level of the Hierarchy of Needs, beyond furnishing our basic requirements, instead he prizes self-actualisation as the top level.

Remembering What Matters

So, here’s an idea. Instead of throwing ourselves headlong into the grind, thinking that we need more, more, more, what if we need less? I would like to propose a statement, nay, a mantra now, that I promise I will try to live by.

“If I am working so hard that I am unable to meet my basic needs, I do not need more money, I need less work”.

OK, that’s easier said than done, I know. I’m a freelancer, so I know the dizzy dance of feast or famine, boom or bust, ride or die. But, if I’m honest with myself, I also know that in principle I want to work less and live more – emphasis on ‘live’, not just ‘spend’. So, perhaps a few things to consider: Do we need to aim for a promotion, or would we be happier with a little less? Are we giving 110% to our job, when actually we could get by adequately on a consistent 75%? Do we need a more expensive car/house/holiday/phone/laptop etc etc etc, or would we prefer to claw back a little more of our most precious commodity; time?

All very well in theory, but there’s a cost of living crisis on and I know some of you reading this won’t have the luxury of simply paring back your work commitments.

A Few Strategies for Stress Management

So, if we cannot change our schedule and we cannot endure the stress, then what can we do to better manage it? Here’s a few of my top tips for managing stress.

1. Boundaries

Life doesn’t fit neatly into boxes, it likes to flow and leak and expand. Some boundaries should be flexible and allow this natural ebb and flow. Some must be firm. Some examples of these include scheduled meal times, finishing work times, days off – apparently even Beyoncé doesn’t discuss work on a Sunday – date nights, the list goes on. If someone in your life doesn’t respect a firm boundary, the onus is on you to double-down on it, especially if that person is actually yourself.

2. Be your own best friend

The fabulous RuPaul’s catchphrase is ‘if you can’t love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love somebody else?’ Well, when it feels like it’s you against the world, you need to learn to be your own best friend. Cut yourself some slack. I like to actually talk to myself and remind myself that I am doing my best, that things will get easier and that I deserve to enjoy my life. Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it!

3. Don’t rush to say yes

I’m a people pleaser, I like to say yes. But I’m trying really hard to replace it with, ‘can I have a think and get back to you?’ Before I commit to something, I want to know that I can do it justice, but in the heat of the moment I rush to tell people what they want to hear. I’m not doing myself – or them – any favours. Honest communication is key, which leads me neatly onto # 4.

4. Talk to someone

It seems obvious, but all too often we bottle it up. Talk to friends, family, a therapist, a gym buddy. Normalise talking about how we feel without a solution focus. Just get in the habit of saying ‘I feel like…’. By doing so we show others that it’s ok to express our feelings in a constructive way.

5. Look for warning signs and take action

After a particularly stressful patch, I am able to look back and recognise that the storm clouds were gathering way before the sea got rough. But if we don’t learn from our mistakes, we are doomed to repeat them. Instead of beating ourselves up with the should-haves, could-haves and would-haves, our energy is better served by making a conscious effort to do things differently next time, to heed the warning signs and change our course while we still have time.

6. Move your body

You weren’t made to sit still, certainly not for the majority of your time. You may feel burned out and exhausted, and that might make you think that you just want to collapse on the couch. But the reality is that if you’ve been sitting at a desk all day, you have probably slumped into a perpetual resting state and a bit of movement is just what the doctor ordered for getting your body to produce a bit more energy! Run, walk, lift, box, swim, skip, jump or even get out and dance that fandango but I implore you, just go and move your body and you will almost always feel better.

If you need help dealing with stress, take a look at this handy NHS stress first-aid kit. Or, check out our Managing Stress training course which is designed to teach you new skills to help you better deal with challenging situations and manage your stress and anxiety levels.